Shifting Sand

Someone asked me why I havent written on my blog in awhile. I told them Ive been busy, but promised them I would write again. They say they like to read some of my blogs because I write from the heart. Thats a good thing when life is good, but as I think about it I realize ive been putting off looking at my feelings because life right now is not as it should be.
I saw on CNN where they announced the recession was over last week. I couldnt help but wonder about that when my friend, his wife, and their three children were removed from their home they have owned for 20 years by sheriffs hired by the bank. They keep saying its gonna be ok, but my eyes see it differently. Its hard to know what to trust these days. I am a conservative person. Through the years of my life I have formed certain beliefs that have guided my decisions in life. I have followed my parents teachings and made many of them my own. I have listened to my friends and pondered their truth, some of it I recieve, and some of it I reject. I have had life experiences that have taught me the way to go, and I walk in that. I have studied the bible which is inspired completely by God, this I believe to be true. The mistake in this is the translation sometimes of what God was actually saying. Perception can be a good, and a bad thing.
I turned 50 this year. I cant help but wonder how I got here. I was much more sure of myself when I was 30, and 40, but at 50 the sands are shifting. What used to be so secure in bedrock is now fragile and floating in the air. My hipocracy jumps out at me as a possible reason why much of my plan is failing. I am feeling lost when before I was so sure of where I was. Its funny, I always thought as you get older you become more stable...and while I try to present that personna, the reality is Im not so sure what is right anymore. I see the hypocracy in that.
I am somewhat surprised at how my heart seems to have waxed cold. I lost a good friend recently, it was tragic and sad....but when I came home I just sat on the couch and watched tv. I watch too much tv because I dont have to think when I watch tv. I dont like to think because Im not sure what to think about alot of things.
While God is pouring out His Spirit on people all around me, I feel pretty dry spiritually. I am somewhat underwhelmed by my spiritual accomplishments. My faith is a sad portrait of what this walk is percieved to be. It is a source of more hypocracy. I look at my self indulgence, and wonder where my self control went. And my motivation to change appears to have left with my self control. Am I losing the battle after all this time?
I guess the saddest thing is no one really knows. Somehow through my hypocracy Ive trapped myself. I was taught growing up to "power through" the hard times, and not too complain about them. Men were tough, and real men dont think such thoughts as I am writing here.
Maybe thats why the sand is shifting, because I built my house on the sand, and now that the storms are here my house is coming apart. Its just a theory, I honestly couldnt tell you what is really happening. Maybe its as simple as I dont really know anything, and I thought I was so smart. More hypocracy in that I guess. Maybe I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, maybe tomorrow will bring new life....tomorrow....I thank God for tomorrows, this too will pass....but to be honest my friend I feel lost in all this. I feel like I am losing myself, and I cant seem to find who I used to be, or at least thought who I was. Does that make sense? You see my friend, I havent blogged from the heart because I dont like whats coming from it right now. I am feeling very empty inside.......As pink floyd so eloquently out it....."hello,.. hello,... hello,... is there anybody in there?"