The "elect"

I read a post yesterday about the elect of God. Basically the post leaned heavily on predestination as salvations way. It is a philosophy I wrestle with. It seems to bring so many characteristics to God that I cant seem to fit into my view of Him. But also I must confess that while I have ideas of the way God is...it may be more of the way I think He should be.
My picture of God is that one where He is merciful, compassionate, caring, not looking for His pound of flesh. He is constantly seeking all of His creation out, and that He wills none to perish. The idea that some are created for doom and an eternity frying in hell does not find place in my view of God. As a matter of fact I find myself somewhat repulsed by this idea. You see if He is that way then there must be a mean streak in Him that contaminates my view.
The jews were God's special people. God said he had chosen them and gave them many promises and blessings that went along with that decision. But in their knowledge of being special there seems to have come an arrogance with it. They seemed to elevate themselves above the samaritans and a host of other folks who werent born into "the club" They graduated to a place of superiority over others because they were born into it, yet reveled in the arrogance of their birth. Then they thought themselves more righteous, and gifted, and with that came the right to dismiss others thoughts, perceptions, and lives simply because they werent the same.
All of this seems contrary to how I see God. Yet I see people today who do the same thing because people are different from them in one way or another. The danger in this is discounting someone else because of this arrogance. Rationalizing not giving them our best because they are not valuable. Not loving them as I love myself because through all that rationalization, the underlying truth is I think im better than them.
God draws near to the humble, but opposes the proud.....I have been told that humility is the ability to see oneself in a very accurate light. I want to be "elect" but I cant stand the "exclusion" that comes with it. If Jesus died for all.....doesnt that make us all elect? And if we all are "elect" than there really is no such thing. I believe God has people He has work for them to do...but I believe that applys to all of us....and to say one has a more special work than another leads again to pride and arrogance. My work is not any worse, or better than another, My sin is not any worse or better than another, but my attitude, my humility, and my thoughts are up to me... and I have to be careful to not take pride in even these things. It really helps me to love people when I can see them with value, and not overrate myself.....peace.

Shifting Sand

Someone asked me why I havent written on my blog in awhile. I told them Ive been busy, but promised them I would write again. They say they like to read some of my blogs because I write from the heart. Thats a good thing when life is good, but as I think about it I realize ive been putting off looking at my feelings because life right now is not as it should be.
I saw on CNN where they announced the recession was over last week. I couldnt help but wonder about that when my friend, his wife, and their three children were removed from their home they have owned for 20 years by sheriffs hired by the bank. They keep saying its gonna be ok, but my eyes see it differently. Its hard to know what to trust these days. I am a conservative person. Through the years of my life I have formed certain beliefs that have guided my decisions in life. I have followed my parents teachings and made many of them my own. I have listened to my friends and pondered their truth, some of it I recieve, and some of it I reject. I have had life experiences that have taught me the way to go, and I walk in that. I have studied the bible which is inspired completely by God, this I believe to be true. The mistake in this is the translation sometimes of what God was actually saying. Perception can be a good, and a bad thing.
I turned 50 this year. I cant help but wonder how I got here. I was much more sure of myself when I was 30, and 40, but at 50 the sands are shifting. What used to be so secure in bedrock is now fragile and floating in the air. My hipocracy jumps out at me as a possible reason why much of my plan is failing. I am feeling lost when before I was so sure of where I was. Its funny, I always thought as you get older you become more stable...and while I try to present that personna, the reality is Im not so sure what is right anymore. I see the hypocracy in that.
I am somewhat surprised at how my heart seems to have waxed cold. I lost a good friend recently, it was tragic and sad....but when I came home I just sat on the couch and watched tv. I watch too much tv because I dont have to think when I watch tv. I dont like to think because Im not sure what to think about alot of things.
While God is pouring out His Spirit on people all around me, I feel pretty dry spiritually. I am somewhat underwhelmed by my spiritual accomplishments. My faith is a sad portrait of what this walk is percieved to be. It is a source of more hypocracy. I look at my self indulgence, and wonder where my self control went. And my motivation to change appears to have left with my self control. Am I losing the battle after all this time?
I guess the saddest thing is no one really knows. Somehow through my hypocracy Ive trapped myself. I was taught growing up to "power through" the hard times, and not too complain about them. Men were tough, and real men dont think such thoughts as I am writing here.
Maybe thats why the sand is shifting, because I built my house on the sand, and now that the storms are here my house is coming apart. Its just a theory, I honestly couldnt tell you what is really happening. Maybe its as simple as I dont really know anything, and I thought I was so smart. More hypocracy in that I guess. Maybe I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, maybe tomorrow will bring new life....tomorrow....I thank God for tomorrows, this too will pass....but to be honest my friend I feel lost in all this. I feel like I am losing myself, and I cant seem to find who I used to be, or at least thought who I was. Does that make sense? You see my friend, I havent blogged from the heart because I dont like whats coming from it right now. I am feeling very empty inside.......As pink floyd so eloquently out it....."hello,.. hello,... hello,... is there anybody in there?"

Seasons

I feel im coming to an end of a season in my life. It has been an awesome time for me, and ive learned much from this season. It has changed me much from the inside, and has given me tremendous joy. It could be one of the best things that has ever happened to me. It has been some of my greatest struggle...and some victory. It has been a season of pain...emotional pain that at times I thought would overwhelm me. It has also been sprinkled with breakthrough and joy....almost perfectly timed to get me to the next step. This season has taught me that I can do things I didn't think I could.....and also there are things I shouldn't do that I did. It has been a season of courageous activity, and cowardly hiding. It has been a season of seven years, yet moment by moment. In it I have witnessed much about death, and yet received glimpses of life, and life abundantly. I have seen the enemy appear to win, only to find out he didnt....and his loss was a crushing blow due to the timing of God's victory. In this season I have seen the denial of God to the last breath....such arrogant pride and rebellion that becomes a fortress of denial stronger than any structure that exists I am aware of. I have watched saints go to heaven, and sinners go to hell. The dying process of a person be a beautiful process....and another person be one of the most horrific things I have ever witnessed. I have watched God guard his faithful to the end...and I have seen God reach out to some to the very end, only to be denied.
I think the season I have been through has disrupted me, and yet has solidified me in so many ways. I watch as people debate back and forth, given the freedom of free will. I have watched as they strive to make their interpretation truth for all, sometimes truth for one is enough. Important things have become trivial in this season, and yet other things have become so important. I have seen my best thinking come to nothing, and in that happening God's word proven so true, right down to the last comma and exclamation mark.
I entered this season a young man, and in ways I now feel so old. Yet in this season He has made my old to be new, surrounded me with hopelessness, and then filled my heart with faith. I have been run over with my theology, only to be lifted up and start fresh again. This season has seen such failure...and yet I never knew such success existed.
In the end...I think its hard to let go...we get so used to a certain thing that we hang on to it until the very end because we think it has become a part of who we are. I heard someone say the saddest thing you will ever see is a person trying to live out a season that God has ended a long time ago. But I know if God is ending this season, its because He has a new thing for me...and I want to be in His season...not mine. So God...have Your way, because I know your plans for me are good, and in that I do trust...I give you permission to change my life.